So long sweet boy

I once so a sticker on someone's car that was a paw and read "Who Saved Who?".  I remember thinking to myself how true that sticker was at the time and even more so now.  The last month of 2011 was one of the hardest of my life.  Early in the month, Titan- my love and partner- suddenly stopped eating.  Titan had these spells before in his life and so I was not to concerned.  Still, I took him to the vet.  The vet ran some blood tests and the next morning called and said I needed to come in right away for a chest x-ray as there were irregularities in his blood work. The chest x-ray appeared to show something that scared my vet (a dark shadow near his lung) and before I knew it we were off to Angell Memorial's emergency room.

I cried that day more than I have in my life.  Once at Angell, Titan's critical care doctor ran an untrasound which showed masses on my boy's splean.  He had emergency surgery that night to remove his splean.  He came home the next day and started acting somewhat like his old self.  But that bad news continued to come and his biospy showed that Titan had hysiositic sarcoma, the most aggressive kind of cancer.  A few days later we started chemotherapy and Titan's onocologist seemed confident that he could live another 3-6 months.  Unfortunately, just two days later his health took a turn for the worst and Titan could not barely work.  I got him back to Angell where tests revealed that his platlet count was dangerously low.  The only option was for a blood transfusion to try to give the chemo more time to work.  I thought about this decision really hard.  The reality is that the blood tansfusion would only have given him a few more day and his quality of life had deteriorated.  I decided at that moment that my beautiful boy had given me nearly 12 years of unconditional love and he deserved the same.  It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life and saying good bye to him was harder than anything I have ever faced in my life.

But I don't want to remember the sad part because there is so much more to Titan than his ending.  Titan was an old soul and one of the kindest dogs I have ever met.  He was the definition of good and all that is right in the world.  To this day, I cannot believe that his life started off so wrong and that any person would disguard this amazing soul.

When I was 21 years old I volunteered at the Sonoma County Humane Society in Santa Rosa, CA.  Titan had been there for about three months, before I brought him home.  I remember the first time I saw him.  When I entered the adoption floor with rows upon rows of cages, at the very end there was head that just kept popping up.  Sure enough it was Titan jumping up and down- oh my g-d could this dog jump! he was full of energy and so beautiful, though painfully thin.  He had cigarette burns all over his body.  People are so cruel.  I remember when I took him home, the staff was amazed that anyone wanted this mangy mutt.

Titan wasn't easy in the beginning.  He was hard to walk, anxious and skiddish all at once and an escape artist!  I cannot tell you how many times he got away and my friends and I would spend hours looking for him.  He was so fast.  But of the years, this crazy boy turned into a stately man.  He has been through it all with me.  Break ups, moves across the country, everything.  Titan lived in CA, CA, CT and MA.  He never acted out and just happily followed me where ever my life took us.  When I was hit by a car in May, Titan never left my side.  When I awoke in the emergency room, the police told me how he stood over me licking my face.  Titan was all that is good in the world.


When he was 4 years old, I brought home Max (an 8 week old chihuahua).  Sure, he pretended Max didn't exist for a month and made sure that I still knew he was #1, but he also accepted Max and took him in and taught to be a great dog.  Titan was always patient, always strong, but never aggressive.  It was amazing to see him with Max.  And in the end Max knew how special Titan was.  When he started to get really sick, Max would lay on Titan's bed with him and just lick him. He was a pure and gentle soul.

Titan was the epitome of all that an amazing dog and friend can be.  He showed the genuine kindness that most humans are incapable of and yet he was stereotyped as aggressive because of his breed.  From the second I laid eyes on Titan, I knew that he would be my partner for life.  I loved him from the second I laid eyes on him until he breathed his last breath in my arms.  I hope that he knows that.  I know that he truly saved me and not the other way around. Titan showed me that I am capable of love and taught me how to be more compassionate.  I am forever grateful for his unconditional love. 

Titan, you lived your life the way I only dream of- accepting, loving and trusting everyone.  I know that you are resting now and I am so thankful for the 12 years we had together.   You taught me so much about myself and about love.  You were my pillar when I was unsure and you are always in my heart.  I think of you every day and I still cry almost daily.  Thank you for loving me and for saving me.  Drop in on me from time to time, my sweet boy. It's hard to imagine my life without you, but I know that you are always with me.  I love you big boy.